Awaken

It is Tuesday morning and I am still here.

Even to an individual with quite the imagination, I am still clinging to the reeds. 

I want to talk about the power of thought. I want to talk about the ways minutes and hours can change. I want to talk about possible dismissal.

So, our minds all work differently. I find that I lose memory of conversations but can remember visions from long ago. For example, a conversation from last week can be entirely lost but I vividly remember seeing an eagle morph into a crow, a mermaid in all her glory, an owl resting in its nest and that night when I was a planet orbiting galaxies.

For most, the experience of waking up can be and is often its own experience. You know (usually) where you are, you are likely on some kind of schedule and you have a plan.

Most days I wake up and feel similar things. However, that feeling of consistency shifts and is itself a unique experience. I wake up. I become aware of the day’s name. I reflect on the fog brought about by the night’s dreams and/or hallucinations. I realize that I am awake and those moments passed. I realize that I survived.

That may sound dramatic and honestly, I don’t care but as a lover of words I will continue.

I love the mornings when I awaken and feel as if I have strength beyond measure. It does happen. Some days I feel as if I possess force. I look around and think there is nothing I cannot handle. The power of thought can take you far.

Some mornings, I awaken and simply acknowledge that I am still here. I feel, I make out the colors and shapes of things in my room and I see my dear Walter stretched out. He has likely been waiting for hours to go out but he loves me too much to pass up the chance to be near me. 

The fog shifts. Everything shifts. It is a new day. I can see. An early morning hallucination is best because I find that I swiftly dismiss such occurrences. 

Later ones can take hold. My face twists in order to make space. I take a breath and accept the new sensation’s arrival. These are moments I carry and struggle to decipher. At times, I wonder. At times, I feel elated. At times, I hurt. I look around and realize that no one else is seeing the same things. I feel alone. 

I battle my own mind. This mind is not always kind and I try to represent equal resistance. But this mind is not always kind. It causes negative thinking and poor decisions. And, at times I succumb to the influence.

I am getting stronger.

I run. I write. I read. I listen.

I was blessed by the NAMI convention last week and to hear so much positivity. I can always use positivity.

It is not that I am negative. I carry much weight and find that representations of equal weight relate and make ideas real. Some ideas become too real. 

It is Tuesday morning, my dear dog is asleep next to me and I just thought of the song I absolutely must hear.

Peace.